Sunday, 12 October 2008

a most peculiar feeling

Well it's a most peculiar feeling, like sunburn in the evening
With dark clouds on their way
And you think it's most unlikely life could ever shine as brightly
Once the sun has gone and the pressure's on
And the rain is here again

Don't Need The Sunshine - Catatonia (listen here)

Or as Placebo said: "Baby, did you forget to take your meds?" Answer: I'm not sure... One night turns pretty much into another when you have to take them every day and even when I am positive, a little while later it may dawn upon me that actually what I'm thinking of happened last Thursday.

Honestly I don't forget them that often and I'm really not positive that I forgot them last night. Sunday night, now, that's a different story... Between not taking my happy pills and not being to sleep very well excacerbated by inconsiderate parents (after all those years of "Keep quiet, your father's asleep!") I was extremely irritable all day Monday. Of course I didn't warn my parents to be quiet Monday night - even after missing just one day that's just out of the question, although for some reason I'm still always able to function at work. Perhaps because that's not personal - and had another difficult time going to sleep. But because I had taken my medication that night, on Tuesday I told my mother that they had been keeping me up with their talking right outside my door and it stopped.

So this morning I woke up with a weird, numb, feeling, like I was not just looking at the world through a veil, but all my senses were slightly dulled. Weird, but not unfamiliar. I took a shower and after I turned off the tap, I realised that all I'd done was stand there, swaying, in the stream of hot water. I had to turn it back on to wash. Plus I'm very horny. That also happens when I miss a happy pill, which is very reassuring, really, because it means they haven't permanently affected my libido - not that I'm complaining about it even when I'm on the pills.

Let me make this clear: nobody worry about me, I'm keeping a close eye on me, it's a Sunday, so I don't have to do anything, I'll just take it easy and get ready for work in the morning.

Just a few songs that seem to go through my head on days like this:

Beautiful Ones - Suede
Brazen (Weep) - Skunk Anansie
Don't Need the Sunshine - Catatonia
Everybody Hurts - R.E.M.
Foolish Love - Rufus Wainwright
Hallelujah - k.d. lang
In My Arms - Rufus Wainwright
Numb - Pet Shop Boys
Meds - Placebo
Zombie - The Cranberries

And now I'm off to watch Merlin.

1 comment:

joe said...

Everything that arises passes away... I need to keep remembering that.

I'm glad to hear you still have some libido left. May I borrow some? I thought it was the antidepressants, but I fear I'm slipping into pre-diabetic regions which makes it worse. Ah well, I'm better off when I don't think of s-e-x 23 hours per day.

Hope you feel better as this week goes on.