Saturday, 13 September 2008

When I look back upon my life



When I look back upon my life
it's always with a sense of shame
I've always been the one to blame

As the reality of buying my own apartment and leaving the ancestral home (my parents may have moved out to a cottage in the country some years ago, it's still very much their place) has finally started to dawn upon me, I have been looking back on my life and not finding much to be pleased about.

Don't worry, I'm pleased about me now, I just feel a sadness for all the time I spent getting here. So when I look back upon my life, it really is with a sense of shame, what a shame that this person, who was me, but not quite me, felt she couldn't enjoy herself, blamed herself for the fact that she was depressed and didn't achieve what she could have. I haven't forgiven her for denying me the happiness and success that I could have had. There was nothing to forgive.

Confiteor Deo omnipotenti vobis
fratres quia peccavi nimis cogitatione, verbo, opere
et omissione. Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa.

Shame (in the sense of "what a shame") and sin are both translated into Dutch as "zonde".

4 comments:

joe said...

You know, as they say, you did the best you could with what you had. And that's the truth.

What counts is that we're alive and able to enjoy the beauty of today, right? (That's a non-negotiable question, by the way.)

headbang8 said...

Tell me, SK, did your recovery from depression begin when you embraced Unitarianism? Or are the two independent?

SubtleKnife said...

I found Unitarian Universalism a few months after I started taking the happy pills but I would say my philosphy has always been secular humanist in nature.

SubtleKnife said...

Thank you both so much for replying to this post.

Joe, I know, and I have finally accepted it too.