Wednesday, 15 August 2007

uncomfortable

This post was written earlier today, while I was at work.

I’m getting quite uncomfortable with the attention I’m getting – I was going to say “from the opposite sex”, but as of Tuesday morning, not exclusively so. I am finding pleasure in showing off my new-found figure; I’m pretty happy with the part above the hips. - Of course there are "contraptions" that help one show one's figure in the best light. I didn't think I'd ever wear one, but since I bought it, to wear at my baby brother's wedding, Ive hardly gone without it for more than a day. Perhaps it appeals to my kinky side to feel slightly constricted… Sometimes it works so well I almost get vertigo looking down and only seeing the twins. - But much as I like the idea of people looking at me like that, the practise I find harder to handle.

You have to understand that I've always had trouble accepting compliments and now that people are starting to pay me more, both verbally and in appreciative looks, it's become even more difficult to ignore the trouble I'm having believing they're being sincere. Because how could they possibly be seriously interested in me?

And then I feel guilty and of course I feel even worse the next time.

Yes, poor little me, moaning about looking better than ever. But I want to find a way out of this. All I have to do is think of a way of not scaring them away as soon as I open my mouth. I fear I sound too sarcastic. (Do I?) And I'm afraid I will have to insist on a man of some intelligence. I don't consider that snobbery, I just don’t see how I could be compatible with someone I can't have a good discussion with.

Perhaps giving them this URL isn't such a smart move either… But if any of the (very few) that I have still like me after reading about my fag-hagginess and other demons (not to mention my wicked sense of humour), that might count for something.



I have a lot of time to write at the moment, because it's less conspicuous than reading a book at your desk. It's very slow at work. My proposal to help out my old colleagues was more or less shot down ("Let's not do anything for the time being" - next week this project is supposed to take off and I won't have the time anymore) - but I have secretly helped them out. The problem is that I can only help them part of the way, and because they're so busy back there, I'm streaking ahead now.

Just as I was finished typing this up in an email to send home (I can email but not go online), I received a message to say some of the priviliges I need had been "processed".

1 comment:

BigAssBelle said...

change can be delicious and exciting and uncomfortable. isn't life strange? happy that you're experiencing exciting changes and looking and feeling good.