Wednesday, 15 August 2007

the other side

This one was actually mostly written on my way to work.
What will one day become of us?
We'll grow as grass under their feet

--Scissor Sisters -- The Other Side

It's gloomy, it's raining and the green tint of the bus windows gives everything an eery glow. Why am I hearing that song, those lines, in my mind? I know I often get fixated on specific songs when I'm feeling down (although just as often I don't want to listen to music at all). Last time I was depressed it was Pet Shop Boys' version of Numb, but I hold the Sydney Harbor Bridge celebrations organisation committee responsible for that one, they're the ones who decided to open 2007 with that song. It has to be the song that defines this year for me, despite Mika and Rufus Wainwright's album releases, despite the fact that in two weeks' time I will have been feeling good for six months. (It wasn't really their fault I was getting depressed and I was already developing an unhealthy fascination with that song before January.)

All this talk about music is just a smokescreen to say I'm scared of getting depressed again. With the rain and the gloom I'm making it sound like I have Seasonally Affected Disorder, but I know that's not the case - I'm just as capable of becoming seriously depressed in beautiful spring or glorious summer. But there is a sadness that comes with rainy days (I could have chosen "Rainy Days and Mondays", as in "always get me down", as the title but that would've been misleading - it's Sundays that have traditionally gotten me down, I've always liked Mondays!) that gives me a sense of foreboding. Inevitably I am going to get depressed again some time, or at least I'll start to. Will I be able to stop it from now on? I hope so as sure as this bus reeks of disinfectant. (I worry exactly what warrented such a thorough cleanup...)

By the way, it takes time to compose such brilliance, I'm on a different bus now - and there was a train inbetween. Getting on board, I was greeted by Mika singing Relax, Take It Easy on the driver's radio. With lines like "It's as if I'm scared, it's as if I'm terrified" you'd think that wouldn't be a big help right now, but this one usually cheers me up!

Someone at the training last night mentioned that as their sadness receded, their anxiety of falling back grew. That's what drove me to seek help. Since then, the anxiety has all but disappeared, but I do still get a nervous itch once in a while. I have to learn to accept that, and learn to recognise and differentiate between a case of nerves and when it does get serious.


TheBrightside said...

I never fear depression. I actually love the feeling of hovering on the verge of depression. Feeling down, but loving it at the same time. That true joy comes from sorrow. It's when I am most inspired. It's when I love the world the most. It's hard to explain maybe...
Well I hope you feel better I guess.

BigAssBelle said...

it took me a number of years to realize that i had actually changed from a chronically depressed person to a pretty typical person with blue moods and great moods and everything in between.

the impetus for my change was getting sober, but the change wasn't instant and i was suicidal on my 1st birthday. i got tx and got better, but still have occasionally gone in for therapeutic "tune-ups" which have kept me on the right path.

i think being very bright will make you subject to mood swings to a degree, and that may be lifelong, but it sounds as if you're really finding a way out of this. i am very happy for you.

SubtleKnife said...

Alcohol is a depressant, so I'm not surprised. I'm glad you got back to normal after a while, Lynette. I feel I am at that point now too, but since I've been suffering from it for at least fifteen years it's about time I took steps to stop getting depressed again.